I used to be terrified of storms. Growing up spitting distance from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, I developed an unhealthy awareness of the devastation of tornadoes at an early age. I became fascinated with the science and raw power of those concentrated whirlwinds and while I was drawn to them, I was terrified of them and any rainstorm served for me as the harbinger of their destruction. For years, if it was beginning to storm, I was beginning to panic.
Now, I live far away from the threat of tornadoes and for the last three years or so, rain has become my favorite weather. I'm not just talking about a little drizzle- although cold rainy days ALWAYS take me straight back to Europe where my heart so desperately longs to return- I love the drowning, torrential, unwavering lashings that wake you up at night and leave you breathless as you try to get through them.
I think this shift is occurring in my life with the Lord as well. I used to be terrified of prayer. I grew up with a mother who believes and adheres fully to the power of prayer. I learned early that prayer is a thing, but had little grasp of what this meant or was supposed to mean for my walk with Christ.
Later, as I entered high school and college, I began to see prayer as a scary, unpredictable force that only served to wreck whatever happiness I was indulging in at the time. For example, I used to be terrified to pray about the man I was dating because I was convinced the Lord would take him away from me. (Not necessary to mention, but praise the Lamb he removed them all from me, some weren't so bad, really, but I couldn't be happier where I am in life right now.) I saw God as a wish granter and a prayer twister that would take my words and bend them into some horrible misconception of what I meant, i.e., have you ever prayed for patience and not regretted it pretty much immediately? Come on, be honest.
It was actually my season in Texas and my breakup with Will (that I have written on extensively and Lord willing, that last one was the last of it) that caused me to really sink deep into how deeply the Father desires to dine with us at the table of His mercy. In the word, prayer is talked about constantly or it is being used constantly. Prayer is our chance to hop up onto the kitchen counter and swing our legs and spill our guts out to the Father who so greatly desires to care for us. God then takes those guts, fixes the parts that are broken, and then sews us up tight- better, easier, lighter than before.
Prayer is the worst thing that could happen to an anxious mind and yet it is my only refuge. It is where my help comes from. In quiet mental desperation, you pour myself out before Him to the point of total exhaustion and then you are just forced to wait. You wait for Him to move heaven for you, His beloved. You wait for Him to let justice flow and mercy swallow you up whole until you are swinging deep into the throws of His goodness and grace.
Through prayer, you get to curl up in the crook of the arm of the Father and say, "I'm terrified." He responds, "I know. Be still in this moment for a minute with me. Let's flesh out why, who, how, and what you're afraid of. Now, go rest my darling. I am your Father, I care, let me now fight and move and be I AM."
I have no clue what is even happening in my life right now. Little prayers that I would murmur for years so quietly that I would deny them even to my own soul when pressed about them, are unfolding beyond my wildest imaginations right before me. I learned to surf this month which still doesn't feel even a teensy bit real. I am learning how to be pursued like Christ pursues and it is overwhelming and crushing and beautiful and terrifying all at the exact same time.
I am swept away in the goodness and intricacy of the Father's plan for me. It goes so much further than I could ever have asked for. I am undone and caught totally up in this season. It is a tidal wave, a thunderstorm, a hurricane and I am clinging to my little lifeboat trying so desperately to keep a grip on what reality should look like. Well, tonight, in the middle of the storm, I'm letting my hands let go. I'm releasing my fear, excitement, terror, and joy into His reign and rule.
This sweet month of August has held beauty and grace and storms and I am feeling my soul take breaths where I didn't even realize I had been holding it. So tonight, friends, breathe deep. Take it to the Lord in prayer, regardless of what it is. You just might find that the things you're afraid of now might just make your soul happiest later.
Pray prayers that terrify you. Pray things that only God can handle. Pray things that you didn't even realize you wanted. Pray things that embarrass you and things that you would never ever tell anyone in real life. Cast all your worries, fears, joys, doubts, anger on the Father who delights in and cares for you.
As I stand here in the middle of one of the craziest and most unpredictable seasons of my life, I am drowning in a torrential, unwavering lashing of love and grace and goodness and weirdness that wakes me up at night and leaves me breathless as I try to get through it all. I have no advice other than "pray without ceasing." Then, cry, watch a Christmas movie, and throw yourself into the storm to dance in the downpour. He is listening even when you don't mean to be asking.
And friend, if you ever get the chance to surf, take it- sharks included. He is always and only ever good.
Always.
Only.
Ever.
Good.
Songs of the blog:
Belly of the Deepest Love- Tow'rs
Old Ties and Companions- Mandolin Orange
Hymn- Fleurie
Abc- Alexander Fairchild
Light After Darkness- Kings Kaleidoscope
Coming Home- Leon Bridges
Love Unshakeable- Mark and Sarah Tillman/
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