As a nanny, I have been privy to many different parenting techniques:
1) the "don't let her cry a single tear without picking her up" technique
2) the "let them cry when there isn't a legitimate reason, but comfort them when pain is involved" technique
3) the "well, they won't do it twice, will they?" technique, AKA the "rub some dirt in it" technique
I am unsure of how I will parent my children if I am blessed with that privilege, but I do know that none of those "good parenting" techniques are ones I usually attribute to God. When I hurt, I expect Him to not only make me feel better, but I get upset with Him that He "let me" get hurt in the first place. Further more, I begin to doubt His ability to save me should a harmful or hurtful situation arise in the future.
I talk a big talk.
With the ministry the Lord is calling me and gently leading me into, it allows me to sound much more spiritual than I want to be. I get to talk about how my Father has saved me and ransomed me and redeemed some pretty terrible situations. I leave out the part about how I was sobbing and screaming in the middle of my kitchen floor two nights ago because I had forgotten, once again, that hurting hurts.
This season of my life has been lovely. Truly, lovely. I have met fellas and ladies here in Texas that genuinely care about my faith, life, and happiness. I have a job that (almost) every single day, I love. I have a home that fulfills my needs more than I could have ever asked or imagined He would. On top of all of that, the Rangers started the 2014 MLB season today! May His name be praised for His good gifts!!
Under (perhaps over) all of that, I hurt. I am in active pain. I keep having to remind myself that I need to live my life like today matters because I am not guaranteed a tomorrow. I know, that sounds all pintrest-y but really, James had some things to say about it:
"Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a city and spend a year there and carry on our business and make money. Yet you do not know [the least thing] about what may happen tomorrow. What is the nature of your life? You are [really] but a wisp of vapor (a puff of smoke, a mist) that is visible for a little while and then disappears [into thin air]. You ought instead to say, If the Lord is willing, we shall live and we shall do this or that [thing]." James 4:13-15
I was praying big prayers around this time last year. I could see so clearly the path before me and instead of walking one foot in front of the other and allowing the Lord to raise the road to meet my feet, I sprinted forward, refusing any path to the contrary. In a flash, I am now living in Texas and in two months there will be an entire year of memories without William as an active participant in my life. This makes very little sense to me.
I was never a girly girl. I never planned my wedding as a little girl. Sometimes I wonder if this was the trigger to my pain. It wasn't a normal thing for me. Desiring the good, bad, and ugly of marriage was never something I expected. Now, much to the chagrin of the folks around me, I am still dwelling on the past. I still wake up more mornings than not having to remind myself: 1. I am in Texas. 2. William is not. 3. I am OK.
Have you ever slipped on a slick surface and landed on your tailbone? While you are slipping, your legs fly out from under you, and you are breathless, all of your senses are bracing themselves for inevitable pain. Then, BAM! you hit the cold, hard floor. Every thing hurts all at once. In the deep recesses of your brain, you KNOW you are OK. There on the floor though, you are in pain, and you are embarrassed, and you're probably giggling a bit from the hysteria inducing combination of the two. That emotion is what I wake up to every morning. Painful, giddy, hysteria.
I am so tired. I am so weary from the sick, strange sadness that won't clear.
I understand. I truly, with all of my heart, am so delighted and proud of the way I have gotten to see the strength of the Lord through William throughout this past year. Any semblance of sanity I have about the whole thing can be attributed to W.'s constant (sometimes infuriating) push to walk in the Lord's will for the both of us. I understand. On a Friday in May, he told me "how we treat this situation and each other from now on will be our witness of how much we love the gospel more than anything else." He was right. Most days, I love this. I have tasted and seen more of the sweetness and worth of the gospel more in the past year than I have in all of my other years combined. So much of the time though, this truth is bittersweet because it reveals the true nature of my heart and more days than I want to admit, I desire what I want or wanted far above and beyond what the Lord is currently placing in front of me.
I get told a lot of things about how to make this time easier is to just not think about it as much (ummm, OK), about how it's clear I just need to spend more time with the Lord (probably true), or about how I need to just "stop being emotional about it"(have these people even met me??) Ten months into this mess, I am certain of one thing- there is no road map. There are no rules in this phase of life I am in other than to "walk after the Lord [my] God and reverently fear Him and keep His commandments and obey His voice and serve Him and cling to Him." -Deuteronomy 13:4
Cling to Him.
Cling to the promise that His love is better than life.
Cling to His goodness.
Cling to His coat-tails when I don't have the tenacity or strength to run into His arms.
I am a mess.
I am an emotional jokeshow.
I am the Bride of Christ.
I am beloved.
I am redeemed and redeemable.
He is good- even when His good doesn't look like what I asked for.
Hurting hurts, but I know now more than ever, there is beauty in broken things.
Songs of the blog:
Who are we fooling?- Brooke Fraser
I breathe You in, God- Bryan and Katie Torwalt
Able- NEEDTOBREATHE
Nothing Fancy- Dave Barnes
Forgive me- Missy Higgins
Give me one reason- Tyrone Wells, feat. Jason Reeves
