So far, I am not exactly nailing it at the whole church hunting thing. I missed church this morning and I am honestly, even just around town, finding it pretty difficult to find people that fit my "idea" of what I had become accustomed to in TX. Granted, it has only been a few weeks, but even on social media and googling different churches in the area, I am a bit disheartened. Then, because I missed church, I decided to watch one of Matt's old sermons from this past winter. (Found Here.) I find no coincidence that the Lord would lead me into the heaviness of James in the solitary quietness of my new bedroom.
James is heavy and wonderful and difficult and so simple. James makes you want to sing praises all the day long and then rip your own tongue out because it isn't good enough. James teaches you that wherever you think you are with the Lord, there is always more of Him to dive into. James teaches you that faith and works go hand-in-hand, but it is folly to believe that by doing works, I can assure my faith. In both Matthew and John, we are told that out of the abundance of the heart- the mouth speaks. I am arguing that out of the abundance of my faith (the more I seek and find Him) the more my life, my works, my passions, reflect that.
I am learning at a break-neck speed that it is so much more about who the Lord is to me in this season than what the Lord is doing for me. I believe that as Christians, we feel like as long as we are acknowledging the Lord, we are nailing it. I believe that He is teaching me that it goes so much deeper than that. He desires me to see Him as enough- not just good. Yes, of course, the Lord is good, but if Him being good was ALL that He was, it would be enough. In His mercy, He is also just and patient and gentle and sovereign, etc., but in His goodness alone could I be satisfied.
In the book of Matthew, Jesus implores us to seek Him first. Before we ask for food, shelter, water, or happiness, we are to seek His kingdom first. Out of the abundance of that seeking, our needs are met. I think the lesson I learned this morning at church, in my PJs, on my bed was this: I find Christ in the seeking and if that is ALL I ever find, my needs have been fully met.
For so long, I assumed that if I wasn't happy with where I was, then I wasn't where the Lord intended me to be. Now, I am pretty sure that is bullshit. Let's take a quick look at the Valley of Dry Bones. If you are unfamiliar with this story, in (short of Revelation) the most acid-trippy book of the bible, Ezekiel is witness and key player in the resurrection of an entire valley of broken, brittle, and tired bones. Yes, bones. Not metaphorical bones. Real ones. By the work of the Lord, those bones rose, took on flesh, and assembled themselves as a great army before the Lord- ready to do His will.
Today, I took communion using cheap wine and the end of the loaf of the bread that no one else in the house eats, on my bed, in the dark, weeping, alone. It was intimate. It was to His glory. It was for my good. Moreover, it was a promise. He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. In that promise, I am learning that even if I don't have a single other thing going for me- I have Him.
In the darkness, in the doubt, in the hustle and bustle of starting a new chapter, in the middle of really, really awesome beach days, He is still, always, and only enough. It isn't about temporal happiness, His work in me is about His glory and my eternal joy.
May my life be the proof that you can have all this world, but give me Jesus.
Songs of the blog:
Build Your Kingdom Here- Rend CollectiveDry Bones w/ Fire Fall Down- Matt Birkenfeld
Let the Heavens Open- Kari Jobe-Carnes
Blameless/ How He Loves- Dara Maclean
Though You Slay Me- Shane and Shane
