Where am I supposed to even begin?
How do I encourage words out of my fingertips when I have allowed myself to be silent for nearly half a year?
What words do I start with?
What stories should I tell?
I woke up this morning with the unquenchable desire to tell a story and that is why I am here. With shaky hands and an unsteady heart, I ask for forbearance as I begin again. I ask for patience as I ramble and stumble my way back into being a storyteller.
I ask for grace.
Ashamedly, I must admit that it felt good not to write these last six months. I felt as though I was keeping secrets from myself because I am forever unabashedly honest in my writings. By not writing, although the thoughts were present, they weren't real to me because I refused to make them permanent. Now though, I long to go back to the emotions of October and I have no way to do so. If my life is a collection of stories I am meant to tell, I burned the last six chapters to soot before they even took their first breaths. That is what I am trying to do today; I am attempting to breathe life back into my dormant words. It is time to clear the dust off and begin again.
I suppose I should start with a detailed recap of what my life looks like since August. The thought of that alone makes me want to nap and never open my computer again, so I am vetoing it. Instead, I would like to invite you into where I am in this season of life. I like to refer to it as the "I Love You" pause.
In the last six months, I started dating a man named Jordan and he is a babesalad if I have ever met one. He is blonde and bearded and smarter than he is hot (which is absurd), and he came out of freaking dadgum nowhere. We met at church and totally disagree on how we first actually met and our first date was on a private island. He pursues the poop out of my heart and it is absolutely unbelievable to be a part of. I long for the truth to be that it has been all sunshine and rainbows and smooth sailing for the entire duration, but here is the truth: I have had to work through some pretty extreme PTSD from my past relationships that I just didn't know I was still holding on to. Jordan has his issues too, but those are not why we are here.
The first thing that was difficult for me was just being in the presence of a man that wanted to pursue me. In the two years of being single and in the pain I was in, I put up barriers that were so strong, I convinced even myself that not only did I not truly want to be with someone, I wasn't worth the effort. I was terrified of getting to know Jordan because I didn't want him to know how messed up I was or had been. This didn't give him any credit and it attempted to negate the sovereignty of the Lord at the same time. It wasn't pretty. To the glory and by the grace of the Lord, he stayed.
The second thing that was difficult for me to surmount was the reality that I no longer had the option to hide anything. Sure, I guess technically I could have hidden things, but dating someone seriously as an adult does not comply with falsehoods. I found myself mortified again and again by what I was allowing Jordan to see in me and of me. I would have a reaction to a situation or completely shut down about something else and would just wait for him to be done with all of it and walk away from me. I wanted so badly for Jordan to know me, but the truth is I wasn't pleased with what I had to offer. I saw myself as a burden and I bristled against any attempt Jordan made to convince me otherwise. If I am honest this is still my hardest struggle. It is extremely difficult for me to understand that Jordan sees me and is getting to know me and has the full mental capacity to make his own decisions and yet here he is- staying.
Here is where we get really real- ready? From our first weekend together, Jordan has been purposefully pursuing me with the intent to marry me. Know this before I continue, I am all in with that outcome of us dating. Making the Lord's name and renown the desires of our souls together forever sounds like a dream, OK? It isn't the end that terrifies me. It is the middle. Where Jordan and I are right now is at an impasse. We are teetering the line between "I like you," and "I love you," and really the only difference between one side of the line and the other is who dares to say it first.
During this season of being in-between I have come to know what my hold-up has been from the very beginning. I don't know if I will believe him. I want so badly to be able to come into this part of the relationship with an unbruised heart and an impartial trust and an unrelenting ability to just exist with J. Yet, sometimes I break out into a cold sweat and it always follows this specific thought pattern: am I going to break him one day like I have been broken? Can I avoid it? Should I just bail instead? Am I tricking myself and lying to us both? It is as exhausting as it is ludicrous. It does not take a licensed clinician to obtain that I have these fears because of how my previous relationship ended. (Side note: Will is married and happy and while I pray often for their happiness and pursuit of the gospel, he has no actual weight here. It is not an emotional tie to him that causes the PTSD, it is how the whole thing ended in the first place.) I am horrified by the possibility of hurting Jordan and stunned to inaction by the fear of being hurt in return.
Here is the deal though: not one single second of my doubting is found outside of the sovereignty of the Lord. He sees me in my fear and hurt and shame and draws me into His presence through them. It is in my fear and melancholia and general refusal to take my burdens to the cross that I find my need for Him even stronger. I often feel the pull to cling to Christ in the middle of whatever anxiety has decided to wreak havoc that day. Even more incredible, Jordan hears my fears and knows my doubts and not only does he stay, but he refuses to let me settle in to them. He continuously points back to the Father and reminds me that, even if we wanted to, we couldn't thwart the will of the Lord. I told J our second weekend together that he brings fresh oxygen into places where I didn't even realize I had been holding my breath. Each date night, every hand hold, in our tense moments, I am continuously encouraged by J to find comfort in the gospel and not in the shifting foundations of this earth.
So here we are six months later and I still get anxious sometimes when I think about it all, but I must say that this season with J is my favorite so far. How grateful I am for this man and his unquenchable patience with me! Eventually, Lord willing, we will move on and man what an honor it would be to represent Christ and his Bride with Jordan. For now though, we kiss goodnight, take a deep breath, and let the unspoken "I love you" just hang between us. May the Lord's name be praised in the pause.
Songs of the Blog:
She Must and Shall Go Free- Derek Webb
A Beautiful Mess- Jason Mraz
Only Love- Ben Howard
Hosea's Wife- Brooke Fraser
First Reactions After Falling Through The Ice- La Dispute
Next To Me- Sleeping at Last
