On being a beach baby

I am a joyful person.

In general, I am smiling and giggling and causing a scene in public as I laugh out loud about silly things.

Being a joyful person doesn't mean I am always happy. If you have been following my journey for a while, you know that I went through one hell of a break up two years ago. Well, today I found out that he is getting married in two weeks. Maybe other people heal faster than me or whatever, but this month has been so sad for me. Maybe other people are quicker on the rebound and then never feel emotionally invested anymore- I am not one of those people. Today, I was wrecked. I wanted a moment of honest and bravery with myself so, I took these: 

Here is the deal, following Jesus doesn't always feel good. Being a disciple doesn't equate with constant sunshine and rainbows on cloudy days. The Bible is filled with people crying out to the Father over and over and over again to just deliver them from their sorrow. Not their circumstances- their emotions.

The thing is, I am loving life in this season. I permanently smell like sunscreen, I basically never wear make up, and I get to go to the beach on Monday's just because I have the day free. I love it all here, the humidity, the sand, the brightness of the sun (it is brighter here, I swear!), but that doesn't mean that the things that make me sad have disappeared.

I think that it is very easy, and very dangerous, to pretend on social media outlets that life is always awesome. We all know the social media person I am referring to. That person who is traveling the world and always wearing the perfect outfit and always choose the exact right filters and then OOPS! they met their soul-mate and now they are traveling the world with their soul-mate and suddenly they have 2.5 perfect toe-headed children and the cutest little date nights and weekend trips to London and they are HAPPY and they are WHOLE. Here is the truth, that isn't what my life is like. That isn't my reality. My reality is editing pictures maybe well of adventures that may or may not have happened that day and posting a comment that may or may not be joyful, but I cannot and will not pretend to be shooting rainbows out of my butt when it just isn't happening that day. 

My life is a series of ups and downs and ins and outs and I am SO THANKFUL. Pain is not weakness. Pain is not a marker of mistakes. Pain is a marker of LIFE. Pain looks life and the face and says, "YOU DIDN'T WIN!" Pain is a punch in the face to all the silly perceptions of reality we create for ourselves. Pain doesn't make you less whole. Pain is holy. 

King David is known for all time as "a man after God's own heart." If you aren't a Christian, basically, this means that David and God were tight. They were bros for sure. David did mega-messed up stuff and God still loved the poopcrap out of him. Here is something you might not know about David. HE WAS SAD SOMETIMES. Not just sometimes, actually. He was sad a lot and when he was sad, he would talk with his pal God about it. Here is my favorite example: 

Psalm 42

To the Chief Musician. A skillful song, or a didactic or reflective poem, of the sons of Korah.

1 As the hart (this means deer) pants and longs for the water brooks, so I pant and long for You, O God.

2 My inner self thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?

3 My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?

4 These things I [earnestly] remember and pour myself out within me: how I went slowly before the throng and led them in procession to the house of God [like a bandmaster before his band, timing the steps to the sound of music and the chant of song], with the voice of shouting and praise, a throng keeping festival.

5 Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.

6 O my God, my life is cast down upon me [and I find the burden more than I can bear]; therefore will I [earnestly] remember You from the land of the Jordan [River] and the [summits of Mount] Hermon, from the little mountain Mizar.

7 [Roaring] deep calls to [roaring] deep at the thunder of Your waterspouts; all Your breakers and Your rolling waves have gone over me.

8 Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I will say to God my Rock, Why have You forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

10 As with a sword [crushing] in my bones, my enemies taunt and reproach me, while they say continually to me, Where is your God?

11 Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.

The whole Psalm is THE BOMB, but there are two verses that I would like to highlight here. First, "My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?" I think over the years of walking with Jesus, this is the most common guilt-trip I'm given: if you love God so much, why are you sad? I kinda want to punch those people in the face. It isn't always happy. It has NEVER always been happy. Anyone remember Adam and Eve? I mean, hello, they pretty much blew it immediately.

For a Christian, I think that there is a stigma that if you have depression or anxiety or hell even just a string of bad days made public, you must not love Him enough. That is bullcrap. Having a sad day does not mean that my joy and strength are not still found and forever found in the Lord. Having a sad day just means that an external stimulus has effected me mentally and my response is to weep for a while. HEAR ME: this does not mean that the Lord is not still my portion. That is where the second verse I would like to highlight comes in the play. "Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God." This verse makes me want to scream and clap and sigh in relief all at once. It makes me want to scream from the rooftops that "it is not just me!!!" David, king, poet, adulterer, commander of men, leader, man after God's own heart is saying that "holy crap, yes, today sucks a little (lotta) bit, but yet shall I praise Him." The sovereignty and glory and joy of the Lord is not thwarted by my sad days, on the contrary, it is in His goodness, omniscience, and glory that I find the strength to remember that sad days don't mean I love him less. Sad days mean that I am alive. Sad days mean that I am human. Sad days mean that I have lived and loved and that I have the emotional scars to prove it. 

So, friends- Christian or otherwise- will you join me in being real with one another? Will you join with me in showing that realness to each other? If you need help, get it. If you take meds, remember them. If you don't remember the last time you were real on social media, then you are doing it wrong. Friends, know this: the gospel is worth it. On our very worst and saddest nights, the loneliness doesn't come close to the joy found in Him. 

Find your joy in Him even when you are sad and don't let anyone tell you that this isn't enough. 

Songs of the blog: 

Beach Baby- Bon Iver

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)- Sleeping at Last

I Can't Make You Love Me- Adele

Naked as We Came- Iron and Wine

One Too Many Mornings- Bob Dylan