On Giving Up On Half-empty Glasses

Until just recently, I had begun to trick myself that I was waiting well. 

In the stillness and in the silence I was hearing my Creator whisper that I am loved, taken care of, and delighted in. In light of recent events, I cannot help but feel like a failure and be angry with myself because of how selfish I have been. My marriage status seems to be directly linked to my joy.

There is a deep seeded shame that emerges from this revelation. SURELY people are tired of me "breaking up to the glory of the Lord." 
It causes me to beg the question: 
"Are you tired of it, Papa? Are you tired of my whiny broken heart?" 
If I am honest with myself, these doubts emerge because I am tired of hearing it. I am tired of feeling it. I am tired.

Almost all of me wants the Lord's glory; then, there is the section of me that wished the last guy or the one before would have been "it" so that I could just stop and exhale. I find myself envious of the Brits I am seeing on television in shows like North & South and Downton Abbey. Fancy clothes, fancy talk, and proposals that go essentially just like this:

Guy: I don't hate you.

Girl: Is this a proposal?

Guy: Yes.

Girl: WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!!

That seems so civilized to me. Being dragged about until everything is "right" or "finances are in order" feels so exhausting. Granted, being trapped in a loveless terrible marriage also frightens me, so, there's that.

Judging from the ten new "must read" blogs that come out every day on social media, I am far from being the only person I know that is struggling with being single. There seems to be a very public and widespread need to declare that we are all OK. Sweep your mess into a cute little bin, but a bow, or a bird, on it, and call it "waiting" or "giving up to the glory of God." Blog after blog after blog celebrates the waiting, hurting, and "being strong."

When did it stop being acceptable to really struggle with major issues? 
When did wanting to be a wife and mother begin to be a major character flaw? 
I am not any less strong because I crave a husband to share in comfort, support, and Kingdom responsibilities. 

I desire to live for the Lord's name and renown. 
Some days, this tends to get messy. 
In the middle of my mess, I serve the Lord; and He that is rich in mercy, sees me, loves me, and delights in me.

He speaks LIFE into my mess.



Songs of the blog:

Carry me Through- Dave Barnes
The Thief- Brooke Fraser
Use Somebody (cover)- Tyrone Wells
Control Freak- Copeland
Giving Up- Ingrid Michaelson