On Ramblings of a Beggar

There is a certain fearlessness necessary to pursue your dreams. For me, Texas was less of a dream and more of an escape from what was quickly becoming a nightmare in Jackson. Mississippi was my home for six years and so much of me longs to return. 

Have you ever considered the possibility of time travel? I don't often. I have always been more of a blaze forward and worry about the details later kind of girl, but this year has forced me to do just this. One year ago today, this was the last day Will and I were together. We had taken six weeks to pray and fast (for me, most of my time was spent crying) and I could feel the conclusion coming soon. We had agreed to talk on Friday (May 31st) after he got off work. I told my boss when I went in for work at 6:30 that morning and mercifully, she came home super early that day so that I could go home and have some time with the Lord before William got there. 

During the break-up William so wisely said that "the way we tell this story has the potential to show everyone in our lives how much we love Christ and the gospel message more than ourselves." How very right he was! He also asked me to write a blog about our story so that people with questions could reference it if they need to, also he knew it would be cathartic for me. So, one year later, I think I might have the courage to do just that. So, here is my love letter to it all:

I read once that falling in love was like falling asleep- slowly and then all at once. Well, Mr. Green, I am narcoleptic. That rule doesn't apply to me. In fact, I fell in love quite the opposite- hard and immediately. 

He had cold ankles. No matter how much time has passed, this is the first thing that makes me sad and it was what I've missed the most. He also has one ringlet curl that grows behind his ear. He hates it. I am pretty sure it is my most favorite thing. I could tell by the way he breathed what kind of mood he was in and knew by just glancing at his face what his thoughts were. Every cell of my being desired to be his forever. Every moment further away from being with him causes me to feel as though instead of moving forward, my soul is leaving pieces of itself behind with every step- a trail of breadcrumbs snaking a map back to where my heart wants to go. 

He took me to Cheddars for our first date. (Fancy, right?) I will never forget the look of panicked euphoria that crossed over his face as he realized I desired to continue spending time with him. I am still unsure of the exact time I fell in love with him but it was somewhere between realizing he smelled good when I met him and playing with his hair in the front seat of his gold F-150. These events were less than a month apart. 

He saw me and admired me long before I knew him. He was an addict and had gotten into a really bad spot in his life, so he didn't feel worthy or interested in getting turned down by "the good-girl" at church. Spoiler alert: He got clean and I didn't turn him down. We met officially on the way to Passion 2012, but I only remember him very briefly until four days later on the drive home. He was confident, blonde, gorgeous, and charming. I never stood a chance. 

I could write forever about our first few months together. He asked permission for every single thing we did. To put it mildly, I hadn't been treated or treated myself well in any of my past relationships. To have a man ask to hold my hand a month in to us dating was such an indescribable breath of fresh air. This pattern continued a few months later with our first kiss and several months later on the Fourth of July when he told me that "I had bewitched him body and soul and that I was the love of his life." Pride and Prejudice was his favorite movie. Not a line, really- he can quote the whole thing.

It was only then that I began to allow myself to really, truly dream of a future with him. I was never the girl who planned her wedding as a child and I was certainly not expecting William to come into my life like he did. Despite all of that, there we were. I have journal upon journal entry from this time freaking out that my life was turning out so lovely. People Will and I hadn't talked to in years were starting to comment on how we were their favorite couple and how inspired they were by the Lord's obvious hand in it all. It was all very surreal and delightful. 

I fell in love with his family almost as much as I fell in love with him. His father is stoney, and was the hardest out of all of them to get to know. He loved getting a rise out of me and would usually do so by any means necessary. I used to be scared of the man William would be if he ended up exactly like Rick. I can say now with absolute full confidence that if William ends up having a fraction of the heart, loyalty and strength that Rick has, it will be an honor for anyone who knows him. His mother is the strongest woman I know. There is no competition for her in this category. Her sons never knew it, but for years, she would set alarms and wake up in the middle of the night and pray over their hearts as the whole house was sleeping. There wasn't a moment of their life that hadn't been prayed over. She longed to be the hands and feet of Christ and I have never met anyone who embodied it more. She (along with my own wonderful mother) solidified my desire to be a wife and mother and gave me an unbelievable example of how to do so to the glory of the Lord. His brothers. Oh, my heart. Bryce has the most incredible heart of any kid I have ever met. The Lord has already blessed him with some pretty gnarly gifts and it was a privilege and a joy to witness him grow into them. Rabbit is the love of my life. There were days and nights that I could have ripped his little punk head off, then, Will would lovingly remind me that I was only frustrated with him because we were the EXACT SAME person. That little curly headed weirdo was the best ever and it is him and our tickle fights more than anything else that I miss the absolute most. Well, that, and family game nights. 

I know that it seems like I don't remember anything negative, or that perhaps I have escalated Will into an idol that did no wrong the entire time we were together. That's most definitely not true. He sucked. There were things he would do or tones of voice that he would use with me that would make me absolutely come unglued. It wasn't until, probably, honestly too late in our relationship that we both realized that words have IMMENSE power and for the person who knows you better than anyone on the planet, words can easily be used as a weapon. Even though both our tendencies were for intellectual or emotional damage, we never fought. Not really, not until the end. We had four fights in the year and a half we were together. Three of them were absolutely necessary, all of them ended in him praying over us, and all of them spurred me on for the Kingdom. Even the qualities I absolutely hated about him helped me know more of Christ. I believe that this is why when I begin to ponder our relationship, the positive outweighs the negative. 1 Corinthians states that "love keeps no record of wrong." I believe that. I am living proof.

I have never heard him tell his side of our story. I wonder sometimes about the things he remembers. I wonder what those final days and weeks were like for him. I remember every moment so vividly. Know though, reader, that I could very likely have all detail wrong. So, if you talk to him, and the story isn't anything like this. Forgive me.

The ring had been pick out and it was beautiful. Upon his request, I had taken one of my close friends with me to get my official ring size and I had reported back to him. I was very adamant about not knowing any details whatsoever about the proposal, so once he had the ring information, my questions stopped. I knew that we were looking at spring 2014 so I had some inclination that it would happen in the coming months and by the end of the summer, but I tried (unsuccessfully mostly) not to dwell on it. This was the world I was living in.  

I know very little about what was going on with him in those final moments. What I do know is that the Lord was so glorified. I was away for a few days and as I was gone, he chose that time to really start digging in to the Word about husbands, wives, marriage, and the lot. It was within these lessons that his world began to unravel. He saw scriptures like, "he who finds a wife finds a good thing," and, "it is wise for a man to remain unwed so that he might focus on the Lord." Beyond that, he began reading that "a man cannot serve two masters." He came to me with his confusion and with a broken heart, asked for us to take a break to pray, fast, and seek counsel. 

During the next six weeks, I was a wreck. Though we didn't speak, I knew him, better than anyone on the planet. He was a wreck too. About four weeks in, a movie came out that we had been waiting months to see together, so he took me. I felt like I was being tortured. I cried the entire time. I refused to touch him. I think I knew that if I held his hand or hugged him once, I would't be able to stop. I would've (and could've) manipulated him into staying with me. Is that really what I want? To force someone to love me? No. Hell no. No, thank you. I think he thought that I was being mean or stand-offish. I assure you, neither was the case. I loved him even then. Even when I was supposed to stop. I was selfish though. The next weekend, I got baptized in the reservoir. As everyone in our church was walking down to the water, I marched over to him and gently asked him to kiss my forehead. He did. It will forever be my favorite kiss he ever gave me. 

We were members of the same church and the sweet, wonderful people of Grace Community Church in Jackson loved us both WELL during this time. We received sound wisdom and many of them cried and prayed with me. One of them, Emily, sent me the verses from Hosea 2:14-20 along with the best smelling candle ever. Both the verses and the gesture changed my life! The passage states "¹⁴ Therefore, behold, I will allure her [Israel] and bring her into the wilderness, and I will speak tenderly and to her heart.

¹⁵ There I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor [troubling] to be for her a door of hope and expectation. And she shall sing there and respond as in the days of her youth and as at the time when she came up out of the land of Egypt.

¹⁶ And it shall be in that day, says the Lord, that you will call Me Ishi [my Husband], and you shall no more call Me Baali [my Baal].

¹⁷ For I will take away the names of Baalim [the Baals] out of her mouth, and they shall no more be mentioned or seriously remembered by their name.

¹⁸ And in that day will I make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and [abolish battle equipment and] conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely.

¹⁹ And I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.

²⁰ I will even betroth you to Me in stability and in faithfulness, and you shall know (recognize, be acquainted with, appreciate, give heed to, and cherish) the Lord." I have an entire blog post planned for the richness of this passage but, for now, know that the main lesson is that I was the betrothed Bride of Christ always and a wife on earth…maybe. I held onto this truth like it was the oxygen I needed to breathe. I still do.

I was in bed when he got to my house that afternoon. I knew I would know by his face as I opened the door what he was there to say- I did. I walked straight back into my bedroom and got under the covers and he came and sat on the couch across from me. He tried to make a joke about the weather but I wasn't having a second of that. So, he got on with it. He was silent after he spoke that we were breaking up. He let me cry and read him prayers and journal entries and never once asked me to get over it or to stop. He then said really smart, lovely things that I cannot remember because I was busy memorizing his face. The little scar on his face that he HATED. That curl above his ear that he was keeping short at the time, but I knew the truth! The way his breath caught as he left my house. 

It has been a year. I think I want to vomit at that realization. I have 365 days of memories without him. How strange!  I cannot imagine how tired people are of hearing about him. I am moving on- I am dating or at least flirting a little, but it is all pretty frivolous. My heart remains as much his today as it was that day in Cheddars. I have learned some very important lessons from the Lord though:

1- I am strong. A broken, wrecked mess, I packed up my whole life and moved it six and a half hours away to a city of 8 million where I knew exactly 9 people. I am astounded by the resilience that I have seen the Lord work in me this past year. Astounded. 

2. When I love, I love big. I have never really been the type to do things halfway. This past year has only proved that fact. 

3. The Lord is faithful when I am faithless. I am in Texas now. I am surrounded by a growing number of friends that very intentionally love me and my mess. They continue to ask me how I am doing emotionally even though they know that they answer is going to be something about Will. They still ask and may God bless them for it.

4. I will be fine. The flip side of losing everything for the sake of Christ is that in Him, I am fully satisfied. I might hurt, I might cry, I might not understand, but I DO NOT lack.

5. Not all days are bad days which means that good days are coming. "You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all of your heart." This is a promise to me in His Word. My joy is in the Lord. Lucky for me, He is infinite and worthy.

I have had several people ask me if the last year has been worth it. I believe that this is when I begin daydreaming about a time machine. There is a saying that "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." No offense meant to that idiot, but I wholeheartedly disagree! Life would be infinitely easier if none of the William moments would have happened. Emptier and less fun perhaps, but easier? I have no doubt. The truth about life though is that it takes the bitter to help you savor the sweet. I have officially applied to Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary and should know their answer by the end of next week. I turn 25 in two weeks exactly. Life is happening all around me! For now, for as long as I am allowed, I am going to remember the bitter so that I might more accurately savor the sweet. 

Songs of the Blog:

Ramblings of a Beggar- Shawn McDonald

Wedding Dress- Derek Webb

Take the World, but Give Me Jesus- Ascend the Hill

Slumber- NEEDTOBREATHE

California- Copeland

Only Love- Ben Howard

My Oh My- Macklemore and Ryan Lewis